Leslie Johnston [00:00:00]:
All right, welcome back to Am I Doing this Right?
Christy Speers [00:00:04]:
Morgan got a face transplant.
Leslie Johnston [00:00:08]:
All right, this episode is actually with my twin sister Christy, so. Hey, guys, you're not seeing double. No. We're not looking into a mirror. And I also am just laughing that we brought these.
Christy Speers [00:00:20]:
Literally walked in. I actually did have that water bottle, and then I lost it, and I went to TJ Maxx, and I got this one. And then Leslie was like, wait, I like that.
Leslie Johnston [00:00:28]:
I know. I'm like, shoot. No, actually, if Mom's watching. I am obsessed with this color.
Christy Speers [00:00:33]:
Mom came up.
Leslie Johnston [00:00:33]:
She got this for me. For what? What was it? Easter.
Christy Speers [00:00:36]:
Easter.
Leslie Johnston [00:00:37]:
Which is so sweet.
Christy Speers [00:00:38]:
That's so nice.
Leslie Johnston [00:00:39]:
I don't feel like we grew up with, like, Easter baskets, but in our adult years, somehow mom has, like, gotten us things for Easter.
Christy Speers [00:00:45]:
Yeah, she's pulled it. She's finally pulled it together and figured out what Easter is really all about.
Leslie Johnston [00:00:51]:
Gifts. Gifts. Gifts for us. Oh, my gosh. Well, this is fun. We miss Morgan. She's sick. She was supposed to be with us.
Leslie Johnston [00:01:00]:
But I feel like we're like. I feel like my feet are just not that. Not that Morgan ever makes me feel like I can't be myself because she honestly is, like, a third twin. But I just feel like. I feel like I'm the boss.
Christy Speers [00:01:14]:
Leslie's like, the boss is gone. I'm.
Leslie Johnston [00:01:19]:
I'm the final boss.
Christy Speers [00:01:22]:
Boss, baby.
Leslie Johnston [00:01:23]:
She's gonna laugh when she watches this. If she watches.
Christy Speers [00:01:26]:
Hopefully she listens to your podcast.
Leslie Johnston [00:01:29]:
Okay. Hopefully this whole episode, Christina, are just like. Sometimes when we laugh, I feel like we can't talk very easily.
Christy Speers [00:01:38]:
We're like, my mom. No one makes my mom laugh harder than my mom. She gets all these laughing rampages and. Fun story, actually, about my mom, if we could jump into that real quick. Shout out to Carol. Carol Johnston. She is the goat of all moms. And we.
Christy Speers [00:01:52]:
I was in Utah with my par, like, a week ago, and we tried swig for the very first time.
Leslie Johnston [00:01:58]:
Was it actually really good?
Christy Speers [00:01:59]:
Okay, well, maybe this can be my unpopular opinion.
Leslie Johnston [00:02:01]:
Oh, yeah.
Christy Speers [00:02:02]:
Mid. Mid. But especially mid to Carol Johnson, my dad. Okay, so we roll up. I'm driving, and I have my parents. My dad's in the backseat, which is crazy. My mom's in the front seat. It's hilarious.
Christy Speers [00:02:15]:
And we're driving through swig, and I'm like, oh, we'll each just order one. My dad's like, can we get Raspberry Dream? Can we also get a Raspberry Dream blended? Can we get this.
Leslie Johnston [00:02:23]:
This.
Christy Speers [00:02:23]:
This we order, like, probably. And then we did a little taste test for all of them. And my mom was cracking up because she was like, if I drank this, I would send it back and tell them that their soda machine is bad. Like, she's like.
Leslie Johnston [00:02:37]:
And then.
Christy Speers [00:02:38]:
But she made herself laugh so hard, she couldn't. She was crying.
Leslie Johnston [00:02:40]:
Oh, Christy sent us a video in our family group chat. And she's like, look off. Look at how funny this is like. And what mom said. And literally videos, just them all being like, like, silently, silently laughing. And Mom's like, talking, but we're. Everyone else in the group is like, we literally can't understand.
Christy Speers [00:02:55]:
We can post it on the Am I doing this right? Account, maybe. No.
Leslie Johnston [00:02:58]:
So we can see something about drive thrus. Recently with mom has been like a recipe for.
Christy Speers [00:03:03]:
Is it that trigger?
Leslie Johnston [00:03:04]:
It's a trigger. We were all in line for Handles. We always handle. Yes, but it's Handles ice cream. They have a drive through in Palm Springs. So while the four of us were in the drive thru, it was like late at night and we all.
Christy Speers [00:03:20]:
The three of us in the backseat.
Leslie Johnston [00:03:22]:
Yes, we were all in the backseat. And I don't know why we were laughing so hard. Fully sober, by the way. Just to promise that this isn't like, end of the night.
Christy Speers [00:03:29]:
We're all a boozy handle strike.
Leslie Johnston [00:03:31]:
Yes. But we were going through and we were, like, trying to order our ice cream. And this poor girl on the other side, we're just like, can I. Can I get up? We're just like, laughing. Oh, the stupid thing. Nothing was even funny. It was just like, we were just laughing. Anyways.
Leslie Johnston [00:03:46]:
Well, that's a good unpopular opinion. So Swig is mid.
Christy Speers [00:03:49]:
Swig's kind of middle gosh. Unfortunately. Sorry, Swig. Or at least it's mid to Carol Johnston. So yeah, that can be Carol's.
Leslie Johnston [00:03:56]:
Maybe their sewing machine was broken.
Christy Speers [00:03:57]:
Maybe it was. Maybe it was. What? Do you have an unpopular opinion?
Leslie Johnston [00:04:00]:
Bless I do. So obviously this is like our second episode of kind of like our dating relationships kind of series that we're doing. And I think personally texting is. Texting chemistry is a poor prediction of, like, relational chemistry.
Christy Speers [00:04:21]:
Well, that's really unfortunate because Joey and I were long distance for, like, the first six months of our relationship.
Leslie Johnston [00:04:28]:
There are. There are maybe some things that.
Christy Speers [00:04:31]:
No, honestly, I think. I think you're right.
Leslie Johnston [00:04:34]:
Because to me, someone can be so good at texting and then you get in person and you're just like, this is so awkward. Or like, they're very different.
Christy Speers [00:04:44]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:04:44]:
From their texting ability.
Christy Speers [00:04:46]:
Honestly, I think I'm funnier over text.
Leslie Johnston [00:04:49]:
Oh, I'm probably definitely funnier over text.
Christy Speers [00:04:51]:
So I wonder if Joey's like, dang, this girl says, no, you're funny.
Leslie Johnston [00:04:54]:
You're funny in person too. You're funny. Thanks.
Christy Speers [00:04:58]:
But especially with AI, like, oh, I can't.
Leslie Johnston [00:05:01]:
I cannot imagine like people now. Are they just like so afraid that everything is AI like the.
Christy Speers [00:05:10]:
I just would imagine like a 13 year old boy texting a girl for like the first time and being like, I don't know what to say. And just screenshotting it and sending it into chat GPT and being like, what should I respond if I want to make her like me?
Leslie Johnston [00:05:21]:
We were the original AI because remember when we would all sit around with our friends and we would all come up with what we were going to send to like 100%.
Christy Speers [00:05:27]:
Yes, 100%. Wow. I feel like we still kind of do that with some of our single friends.
Leslie Johnston [00:05:32]:
Hey, you should say.
Christy Speers [00:05:33]:
Hey, you should say this.
Leslie Johnston [00:05:35]:
That's my favorite pastime. I wish that was a job.
Christy Speers [00:05:37]:
Yeah, that and reading old journals. Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:05:40]:
Oh my gosh. So, okay, I, I went on like a date with this one guy and it was like we had texted for a long time before that and I remember thinking like, this might be it. He's such a good texter. We never had a phone call or anything. I think we had like seen each other in person before.
Christy Speers [00:05:59]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:06:00]:
And then on our first date, I was like, great guy, just very different vibes. So I was like, hey, I, I'm always like, don't text the person a lot before you go on your first date.
Christy Speers [00:06:10]:
That's smart because you might go like, not advertised.
Leslie Johnston [00:06:14]:
What'd you say?
Christy Speers [00:06:14]:
Not as advertised.
Leslie Johnston [00:06:16]:
Exactly.
Christy Speers [00:06:17]:
I, yeah, I would agree with that. I think that I remember when I was younger when we had like T9 texting. So we'd be like doing very slow texting and there was like character limits for your texts. And I remember being like, oh, do you like want to hop on the phone? And he's like, no, I'm kind of nervous. And I was like, that was an ick. That was a ick.
Leslie Johnston [00:06:38]:
Also good for you for being like, let's hop on a phone call. I don't think I would have ever done that in like middle school or high school.
Christy Speers [00:06:44]:
So bold. So bold.
Leslie Johnston [00:06:46]:
I'd be like, can you text some more?
Christy Speers [00:06:47]:
That's a good unpopular opinion.
Leslie Johnston [00:06:48]:
That's funny. Okay, well, today we're just gonna like kind of roundhouse this Conversation, Roundhouse, kick in the face. Roundhouse, kick this around. Because we just. All of our dating episodes, to preface, this is not us being like, this is how you should do it. This is more so like, let's just kick around. What kind of, like, what is this kind of thing we're talking about? What are some things that we've learned along the ways? Things that maybe have been, like, detrimental along the way?
Christy Speers [00:07:19]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:07:19]:
And things we're seeing and. Yeah. And you can comment on this episode. I realize people can comment on Spotify.
Christy Speers [00:07:26]:
Are they nice? Are they nice comments?
Leslie Johnston [00:07:28]:
For the most part, yes.
Christy Speers [00:07:30]:
That's good.
Leslie Johnston [00:07:31]:
Some of them come at us for our physical appearance.
Christy Speers [00:07:34]:
Don't worry, that just happened to me today.
Leslie Johnston [00:07:37]:
Yes, that's true. So today we're going to talk about closure. Like an ending of a relationship. Why do we always want closure? Is it necessary? Is it actually even helpful? And then we're also going to talk about should you get back together with an ex.
Christy Speers [00:07:54]:
Dun, dun, dun. What a hot topic.
Leslie Johnston [00:07:56]:
I know, I know. I'm very excited about this.
Christy Speers [00:07:58]:
Do you have a good closure story?
Leslie Johnston [00:08:02]:
Do I have a good closure. Probably not a good, for me, closure story.
Christy Speers [00:08:08]:
I.
Leslie Johnston [00:08:08]:
Okay, I have a funny closure story that I did not bring upon myself. So I. I don't know if you remember, there was a guy in college one time, and I could probably say this. I can probably tell the story, honestly, because I don't think he has any idea that I.
Christy Speers [00:08:24]:
Sounds like the closure conversation went really well.
Leslie Johnston [00:08:27]:
Really well.
Christy Speers [00:08:28]:
Really closed it off.
Leslie Johnston [00:08:29]:
There was a guy. You remember this? I. I was in college and I started hanging out with this guy and, like, running was our thing. So, like, I would run with him all the time. And I just thought, like, I really like this guy. Like, maybe we'll start dating. And. And I just come out of, like, a long relationship.
Leslie Johnston [00:08:49]:
So I was, like, kind of newly back into, like, oh, what does this all look like? I'm assuming if a guy hangs out with you, he likes you. So then we would run. And then one day, I broke my foot playing soccer. Intramural soccer, by the way, not like college level soccer. But I broke my foot. And I remember crying because I was like, first of all, my foot hurts. And secondly, like, Christy, what if this guy doesn't want to hang out with me anymore because I can't run? Like, we run together. And Christy's like, leslie, he likes you not because you can run, but because of who you are.
Leslie Johnston [00:09:22]:
And sure enough, that guy never talked to me again after I broke my like, literally the day I broke my foot, the next day, I'd never hear from him for, like, months. And I'm like, he really only liked me because I could run and I couldn't even run that wall. And then he, like, sent me a message. I could probably find it. He sent me like a long text like a year later, like over a year later. And he's like, hey, Leslie, I just feel like I wanted to reach out to just, like, to let you know that, like, I'm sorry, like, didn't talk to you after, like, you broke your foot. I just, like, didn't like you and I didn't really see you that way. So, like, I just didn't know how to.
Leslie Johnston [00:10:06]:
To let you know that. So now I'm just letting you know that that's why I didn't talk to you anymore.
Christy Speers [00:10:12]:
You're like, way to kick me when I'm down with a broken foot. Hey, first advice to any male or females listening, don't send a text of I don't like you if they've never asked if you like them.
Leslie Johnston [00:10:25]:
Literally, I'm like, I didn't ask for this. I'm assuming, trust me, trust me, I know that you don't like me after. That's so brutal for a year. And so then I was just like, well, thanks for letting me know. Like, I don't know what to do with this. So, yeah, that's my closure story. Do you have one?
Christy Speers [00:10:45]:
Yeah, I. This one also did not pan out the way I wanted, which maybe is just funneling into the thought process of this episode. But I. Long term relationship a little bit on and off. During a period of being off, though, it was classic where you kind of start texting a little bit, you're talking back and forth, there's some, like, attention being shown, and you're just like, oh, they must like me again, right? Or like, this must be happening. This must be going. But we're also still off, right? We're still broken up. And so I remember being like, man, you know what? I just, I remember telling, like, my friends.
Christy Speers [00:11:20]:
I'm like, I just need a closure conversation. But by saying that, that wasn't actually true. It was more a. I would like to kick this off again. And I'm gonna hide behind the fact that I'm calling it a closure conversation or like a what's really going on conversation. And I remember going to this park and being like, whatever, having, like the closure conversation of like, okay, like, you know what's really going on? Because, like, I just want some closure. I can't keep doing this fully thinking that it's going to be like, oh, yeah, like I really like you, I don't get back together again. And sure enough, it was like a.
Christy Speers [00:11:56]:
Ah, no, just friends actually. And I don't like you. And I was like, oh, shoot. And it was horrible.
Leslie Johnston [00:12:02]:
Horrible.
Christy Speers [00:12:02]:
And it was so sad. I remember sitting on the swings and just being so sad after that conversation, but didn't really pan out in the way that I thought it was going to because I wasn't actually looking for closure. I was looking for an opener.
Leslie Johnston [00:12:13]:
Yes.
Christy Speers [00:12:14]:
Not a closer conversation.
Leslie Johnston [00:12:16]:
I know. It's like sometimes we forget that closure, like the word close is like, it's like an ending. And sometimes it's like, I want closure because I hope that maybe then they'll like, want back.
Christy Speers [00:12:28]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:12:29]:
Into this relationship.
Christy Speers [00:12:30]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:12:30]:
Which isn't always true. No, I mean, that's a good question then. So like, in what level of a relationship should someone want closure? Because I feel like, well, you can
Christy Speers [00:12:42]:
want it, but go for it. Right. Go for closure.
Leslie Johnston [00:12:47]:
If you're like, oh, I'm in a full blown relationship and we broke up and I want closure. Or if I'm in like a situationship kind of. We're just talking.
Christy Speers [00:12:58]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:12:58]:
And then he kind of ghosts me and then I want closure.
Christy Speers [00:13:01]:
Right.
Leslie Johnston [00:13:02]:
So I feel like, let's go into the. More like friend, friend zoning. We were never really in a big relationship. That kind of closure. Do you feel like people should ask for closure? I mean, not in your case obviously, for that. That scenario, which it all ended up panning out great.
Christy Speers [00:13:19]:
It did.
Leslie Johnston [00:13:19]:
But I feel like. Yeah. What do you think about that?
Christy Speers [00:13:23]:
Yeah. I don't know. I'm thinking of like the person that's maybe in a spot where they're like, I think this person likes me but they haven't told me. And I don't know if I should have a conversation about closure with them or not or if I should have this like DTR conversation. Which.
Leslie Johnston [00:13:41]:
Two very different things.
Christy Speers [00:13:41]:
Yeah, Two different things. Like dtr. Sure. Right. Go for it. I think the closure side of things though, I think you do have to be really ready to be like, this is actually just going to make or break the entire friendship for sure. And with DTR as well. Right.
Christy Speers [00:13:56]:
Like it is a make or break thing.
Leslie Johnston [00:13:58]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:13:59]:
So I don't know. I feel like.
Leslie Johnston [00:14:01]:
Yeah. Depending on the amount of friendship you have with that person and how much you're willing, like I guess if you want to be friends with them.
Christy Speers [00:14:08]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:14:08]:
Long term.
Christy Speers [00:14:09]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:14:10]:
Maybe closure and define the relationship may not be in the cards. If you're like, oh, this, this isn't worth it to me for this to end potentially as a friendship.
Christy Speers [00:14:19]:
Like, I. I think if you're like, just friends and you're wanting closure from something that never happened, it's probably not smart.
Leslie Johnston [00:14:28]:
Yeah. That's a tough one. That's a tough.
Christy Speers [00:14:31]:
Because we have just. I have known and I probably done this too, where it's like, you are friends and you're frustrated, though, because they're not taking a full step forward. And you're like, okay, well, I just, like, want to know if this is on or off.
Leslie Johnston [00:14:46]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:14:46]:
And I think in some areas, then, yes, it's totally appropriate to have a conversation like that. But I think more often than not, if you bulldoze into a conversation in almost an aggressive closure way, like, okay, you just need to tell me if you're into this or not. And like, everyone thinks it's going to be like the movies.
Leslie Johnston [00:15:01]:
Yes.
Christy Speers [00:15:01]:
Where you're just like, walk in and you're mad and you're just like, yeah, it's raining outside.
Leslie Johnston [00:15:07]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:15:08]:
You're upset. And then you're just like, okay, well, like, do you hate me? And it's like, no, I love you. And it's like they're together forever, you know? And it's like, that's not normally usually what happens. I feel like we've seen a lot of relationships act or friendships that were growing towards something completely get derailed from, like, a weird closure conversation. And in an. And in an impatient way.
Leslie Johnston [00:15:31]:
Yes.
Christy Speers [00:15:32]:
Which I don't know if that's really what we're talking about today, but, I
Leslie Johnston [00:15:34]:
mean, this conversation, go wherever it wants. But I think it's totally in line with it because I was literally just thinking about a friend we had who told a story. She had a crush on this guy forever, and they were really great friends. And she's like, I really like him. And, like, sometimes he acts like he likes me and sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes, like, I think we're getting there and then he starts talking about other girls. And then I'm so confused. And she's like, I almost said something to him because I was so, like, fed up.
Leslie Johnston [00:16:04]:
Which at some point. Yes. Don't let someone lead you on.
Christy Speers [00:16:08]:
No.
Leslie Johnston [00:16:08]:
Like, you don't have to become unavailable when no one's made you.
Christy Speers [00:16:13]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:16:13]:
Their girlfriend.
Christy Speers [00:16:14]:
So I'm like, and you can't not. You don't always be the one to not make a move. Right. Like, you can make a move.
Leslie Johnston [00:16:20]:
You can totally make a move. But you should let them know you're interested. In a way.
Christy Speers [00:16:23]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:16:24]:
But she was like, I almost talked to him and was like, what's happening here? Kind of in this. Yeah. Like, you know, movie type way.
Christy Speers [00:16:33]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:16:34]:
And she's like, I'm so glad that I didn't because she's like, I decided like, okay, I'm gonna take a back seat and I'm just gonna like, be fine with being friends and if this never happens, then we'll just be friends and that'll be great. And I'll probably find somebody else. Well, like a year or so later, out of the blue, he comes up to her and he's like, hey. All kind of like all of a sudden now I'm super interested. I don't think he said it like that, but I think all of a sudden he kind of like, yeah, like
Christy Speers [00:17:00]:
it's switch turned on.
Leslie Johnston [00:17:01]:
Yes. Like his eyes were open and he scales fell off. And now he was like in love with her. And they got together and they're married and they have like one of the greatest relationships. So I'm like, there is something to say now again, not everything is like Bible, like this is always going to happen this way. But I do think sometimes not like letting, letting yourself be patient enough to just see how it turns out can sometimes work in your favor.
Christy Speers [00:17:29]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:17:29]:
And then other times, like, you know, you might go, hey, for me, I'm
Christy Speers [00:17:34]:
gonna make a move.
Leslie Johnston [00:17:35]:
Yes. Or like, this guy has been leading me on for a while now. And especially if anything has gotten physical to me, I'm like instant. You should have.
Christy Speers [00:17:43]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:17:43]:
A define the relationship or a closure conversation if it's not going in a relationship way.
Christy Speers [00:17:48]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:17:49]:
I remember I had broken up with somebody or sorry, he had broken up with me. We kind of got back together for a little bit. I thought we were going back into a relationship. He did not, but wanted all the things that came with a relationship. And I remember being like, oh, wait, wait, wait. When I figured out it was like not headed towards something healthy.
Christy Speers [00:18:10]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:18:10]:
I remember being like, okay, then this is done. Like, we're not doing this anymore. And needed that closure conversation. So I think when you're in that like weird gray area of if you're dating or not dating, it's very individual, I think, to the situation.
Christy Speers [00:18:23]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:18:24]:
But I would be very weary of just being impatient and going, I gotta find this out right now. Especially if you maybe could see something
Christy Speers [00:18:32]:
happening and I think also thinking about, like, I love when Kevin Thompson talks about attachment styles too, because it's like you have anxious attachment, you have avoidant attachment, you have all of these different styles of attachment depending on how you grew up or whatever. Anxious attachment, which is like a lot of us, like, I would probably be more of an anxious attachment rather than like an avoidant. An anxious attachment person always wants to know what's happening at all times and what the status of the relationship is at all times. And constantly wants to push the issue forward, but not actually because they necessarily need it to develop that quickly, but more because you're anxious and you're like, I will have relief if I know.
Leslie Johnston [00:19:10]:
Yes.
Christy Speers [00:19:11]:
But the problem is you can be really detrimental in your relationships if you always have to know everything all the time rather than having some patience, letting things naturally develop.
Leslie Johnston [00:19:21]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:19:21]:
And I think, yeah, I think myself and probably a lot of other girls would shoot themselves and guys shoot themselves in the foot because of that, like, very anxious style attachment. And I think also going into a closure conversation aggressively rather than like, let's actually discover what's happening here. I think if you come into it like a bowl in a china shop, sometimes things are going to break, you know, and that's true. Things are going to break. But yeah. What would you say, Leslie, when it comes to like people who have been in a. Not a situationship, not in something like that, but like long term relationship and then they go through a breakup and then they want in three months to have a closure conversation? Yeah, like, that's classic, right?
Leslie Johnston [00:20:06]:
It's very classic. I.
Christy Speers [00:20:09]:
Or why, I guess maybe why people want that.
Leslie Johnston [00:20:12]:
I think that at least from what I've experienced myself or experience with other friends, is that there's like a lot of different reasons maybe why somebody would want closure. And you kind of have to figure out for yourself which of those reasons is why I want closure and should I actually then have that closure conversation. So for me, and you probably have some too, but for me I feel like sadness maybe was some of the want for like a closure conversation. I think I was. I think after any breakup we need to remember that like you, your brain is actually like wired in a way when you're in a relationship for a while with that person that you automatically want to communicate with that person, go to that person. It's like a natural part of your brain that when you break up, it's not like your brain's like, oh, well, then I just turned off every part of my brain that wanted to Spend time with that person.
Christy Speers [00:21:06]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:21:06]:
So I remember there were relationships where afterwards it was like, I want to close your conversation because I miss them and I just want to keep communicating with them.
Christy Speers [00:21:15]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:21:15]:
And it's like, gives us a reason to kind of keep, like, holding on in a way.
Christy Speers [00:21:19]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:21:20]:
Because no matter if your relationship was a great relationship or a bad one, there's still ties you have to that person that are really difficult to break.
Christy Speers [00:21:28]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:21:29]:
And so I think if it's sadness and the. The missing of that person and the loneliness that comes from that, I would say, like, I don't know if closure is actually going to close anything as it's just going to open things back up.
Christy Speers [00:21:42]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:21:43]:
But not necessarily in a way that's maybe helpful.
Christy Speers [00:21:46]:
Yeah. Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:21:47]:
So I would say that's one of the.
Christy Speers [00:21:48]:
I feel like I've had. I'm, like, thinking back, I can't remember a specific story, but I feel like I have memories of past friends that have gone through a breakup. The breakup actually wasn't horrible. Right. Like, it was just a breakup. It's jarring, it's awful, whatever. But you go through the breakup, and then it's like a month or two later, they're like, I just want to know why. Like, I just want to know why.
Christy Speers [00:22:11]:
Especially if it was kind of a murky breakup of like, hey, my feelings have just changed, and blah, blah. They want to know why. Which. All for feedback, right? Yes. Feedback can be a great thing. However, in this scenario, you have to be ready for, like, a world of hurt if you're gonna go for it. Because I feel like we have had friends that go and ask, like, why did we break up? Like, why? And then they get some really hard things that they can't ever forget and that. That go in the backpack.
Christy Speers [00:22:36]:
Right.
Leslie Johnston [00:22:37]:
Like, yes.
Christy Speers [00:22:37]:
We always talk about Joey, and I always talk about this. His mom's like, every. She says every girl. Every guy and girl has a backpack. And anytime a guy says something to you that's not great, it goes in the backpack and it stays in the backpack forever. And it's like, if you go for a closure conversation, you got to be ready to fill up that backpack with some stuff. Because, yes, it sometimes unearths things that are really hurtful. And again, like, yes, for feedback, growth, whatever, maybe go to your friends that love you and ask for feedback.
Christy Speers [00:23:07]:
I don't think the ex boyfriend needs to have the microphone in your life of, like, how to be a better person. Because there's two sides to every story, and they're no longer in your life, so they no longer have that voice in your life.
Leslie Johnston [00:23:17]:
Yes.
Christy Speers [00:23:17]:
But I think that sometimes it's like, if you're going for like, yes, I think if you're going for sadness, that's not great. I think if you're going for more information, that is also sometimes not great.
Leslie Johnston [00:23:29]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:23:29]:
And maybe this isn't like, I don't know if this is the healthiest thing ever, but if someone broke up with you and they. You want to get back together with them, like, you're like, it's not just post breakup sadness. Like, I genuinely really want to be with them. Continue on with your life. Like literally continue on with your life. Start making great decisions, become an even more growth oriented person, move forward, have friends go do new things. Oftentimes someone who, maybe it's because they felt like you were whatever in the relationship, sometimes they'll look at you and go, dang, Like, I missed that.
Leslie Johnston [00:24:05]:
Right?
Christy Speers [00:24:05]:
Or I missed out or like, whatever. And they might come back and kind of be like, I'm so sorry. You know, if you're moving on with your life, but if you're just hanging back, so sad, stalking their Facebook and Instagram and Tick tock every single day, trying to see what they're doing, like, all of that kind of stuff, it's like, no, go move on with your life. Like, you could be sad, but be sad with your girlfriends and your family and then just go out and live your life. And sometimes, sometimes things can turn around from that. Sometimes they come crawling back. But it is true. Like, totally.
Christy Speers [00:24:39]:
You know?
Leslie Johnston [00:24:40]:
Yes. I think, yeah, the confusion part. Yeah, I agree with you. I'm like, I don't think we all need to know.
Christy Speers [00:24:46]:
Like, yeah, some, some things, something stay in the box.
Leslie Johnston [00:24:50]:
It's okay that you didn't know. Yeah, you won't know.
Christy Speers [00:24:54]:
Right?
Leslie Johnston [00:24:54]:
I. And I think getting feedback from your friends might be a good thing. Like if you have friends who will give you honest, kind feedback or mentor or whatever. Or a mentor. Yeah. Maybe somebody at church you look up to. I feel like there have been times that Christy has provided closure for me in a, in like an ex boyfriend situation because she can call out things that she's like, no, I think this is why this didn't work. Like, when I, I went through a phase where post one of my breakups, I remember being so down on myself and feeling like, well, because they broke up with me, they're so much better than me.
Leslie Johnston [00:25:30]:
Like, and then they didn't want to be with me. So what's wrong with me? And then there was, like, family stuff, whatever. And I remember talking to Christy one day of just being like, I'm so confused. Like, why didn't they like me? Why didn't their family like me? Like, all this stuff. And I remember Christie saying to me, she's like, and we won't go too detail into exactly what you said, but it was. It was basically like, some of the things that you live for and stand for and love about your life is very opposite from them. So why would they, like, why would you.
Christy Speers [00:26:02]:
Yeah, like, why would they want to.
Leslie Johnston [00:26:04]:
Yeah, of course they don't like you.
Christy Speers [00:26:06]:
I remember think I remember saying. I would never say this phrase anymore, but I think I could say on the podcast. But I was like, literally less again. I think my support has matured since this time in our lives. But I was like, leslie, there's nothing wrong with you. I was like, a terrorist wouldn't like you. Like, imagine a terrorist wouldn't date you. It's like, literally, a terrorist wouldn't date you, Leslie.
Christy Speers [00:26:28]:
So, like, that should make you feel bad about yourself. That says something about them, which is a really extreme example. They were not terrorists.
Leslie Johnston [00:26:35]:
No, they were not at all.
Christy Speers [00:26:36]:
I remember using that phrase, and I was like, you know what? That phrase kind of tracks, but.
Leslie Johnston [00:26:41]:
Yes.
Christy Speers [00:26:41]:
Or that ideology tracks, but maybe I need to mature that phrase a little bit differently. But it is true. Like, just because someone does not, like you broke up with you, doesn't want to be with you, actually doesn't say a lot about who you are as a person. As it much as it just says maybe the dynamic between you guys wasn't right.
Leslie Johnston [00:27:01]:
You know, the things that they ultimately cared and wanted for their lives could be very different from yours. So it actually has nothing to do with you, your personality, who you are. Right. It's more so, like, yeah, why would you guys.
Christy Speers [00:27:15]:
Yeah, well, yeah, it's like, it does have to do with you, but it doesn't mean that you are less valuable than the person that broke up with you. Like, there is not this, like, scale and hierarchy and all these things. It's like, it can just be two people and just didn't work out. So I think the ultimate thing of, like, well, I just need to know why, and, like, I need to scratch that itch. And I'm like, I don't know if you really want to do that or else sometimes scratching the itch leads to some blood, and you don't want to do that. Like, I would just warn any girl that's like, I just need to go back, and I just need to know why. And it's like, why. Why do you need to know why if you're not going to be together?
Leslie Johnston [00:27:50]:
Yes.
Christy Speers [00:27:51]:
Why do you need to. Why, when you can go to your friends, your mentors, the Lord, the Holy Spirit, ask, can you reveal things about me that maybe need to change?
Leslie Johnston [00:27:59]:
And maybe it's.
Christy Speers [00:27:59]:
Nothing needs to change.
Leslie Johnston [00:28:00]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:28:01]:
So I think the question of, like, oh, the confusion thing is not a good enough reason, in my opinion.
Leslie Johnston [00:28:07]:
Exactly. Another one that I feel like sometimes people need closure on is because there's, like, bitterness there.
Christy Speers [00:28:14]:
Oh, yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:28:15]:
Like, after a long relationship, it's like, I just need to know, like, they. I need to know why they, like, say they did something. Like, they cheated on me. They. They left me for somebody else. They did X, Y, or Z. And you have to know why. That's another one that I just go like, ugh.
Leslie Johnston [00:28:33]:
If. If what you're trying to do is find a reason to be able to either make yourself feel better, I guess, or feel like, ooh, they wronged me. So I kind of need to have this conversation to let them know that they wronged me.
Christy Speers [00:28:51]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:28:52]:
Obviously, there's. There's something to having, like, a healthy conversation.
Christy Speers [00:28:56]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:28:57]:
To let the person know that they hurt you.
Christy Speers [00:28:59]:
Right.
Leslie Johnston [00:29:00]:
Especially if you have, like, a relationship with them. But I do think, like, if they've done something and you guys are now broken up, sometimes I'm just like, you know what? They might not deserve more of your time.
Christy Speers [00:29:15]:
Absolutely. You know, a hundred percent.
Leslie Johnston [00:29:17]:
Let's move on.
Christy Speers [00:29:18]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:29:18]:
Dad was really good about training us, honestly. Probably to a fault of, like, anytime we were going through a breakup, he's like, you get out there and you show them, like, you don't give them the time of day.
Christy Speers [00:29:30]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:29:30]:
You, like, move on with your life. Like, you don't, like, don't give them more of your time and more if they don't value it, you know?
Christy Speers [00:29:40]:
Right. Well, and here is also the hard part, is that you're not always going to get an apology.
Leslie Johnston [00:29:44]:
That's for sure.
Christy Speers [00:29:44]:
And you are not always going to get someone to be emotionally aware, healthy enough, humble enough to be like, hey, I'm really sorry for the ways that I wronged you. Right.
Leslie Johnston [00:29:55]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:29:55]:
You might not get that.
Leslie Johnston [00:29:56]:
And.
Christy Speers [00:29:56]:
But here's the thing. You don't need that to move on, because you might, in the moment think, I need that. That would make everything feel better if they just apologized. But it's like, ooh, unfortunately, the long road of life. You're not getting an apology for most things.
Leslie Johnston [00:30:12]:
Yes.
Christy Speers [00:30:12]:
And you have to figure out, how do I actually move on without an apology?
Leslie Johnston [00:30:15]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:30:16]:
And how do I, like, move forward? Give me thoughts on that.
Leslie Johnston [00:30:20]:
I feel like in the Bible, there's lots of people who never got an answer for things. Like Job never really got a solid answer for Life went up in flames.
Christy Speers [00:30:32]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:30:34]:
Joseph was sold into slavery by his own brothers and really never got an answer. They're like, we just didn't like you because our dad liked you more or something. So. Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:30:41]:
Jealous of your coat.
Leslie Johnston [00:30:42]:
Yes. And he just, like, you know, moved forward into what God had for him.
Christy Speers [00:30:46]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:30:47]:
So I think. Yeah. I think there's lots in life, even beyond relationships. Yeah. Where you're not always going to get an answer for everything. So I feel like control comes into some of this a little bit too. It's like sometimes you want closure because we want control. We want to know exactly why A, B, and C happened, that caused F to happen and caused this to happen.
Leslie Johnston [00:31:07]:
So it's like, then it can make sense in my mind and I can feel like I have control over why everything happens. And to me, that's where faith comes in. You're like, you know what? I don't have to know X, Y, and Z and Y. And that stuff might even hurt me in the end. So God might be protecting you.
Christy Speers [00:31:23]:
Absolutely.
Leslie Johnston [00:31:23]:
If that person isn't just coming to you, trying to mend things.
Christy Speers [00:31:27]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:31:27]:
It's like, you know what? Maybe it's better off if you don't know.
Christy Speers [00:31:29]:
Oh, yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:31:30]:
There's an element where it's like, step into faith. Go. You know what? There must be a reason why this happened, and I'm going to trust God and lean forward into my life and let that kind of fall away and be okay with having unanswered things.
Christy Speers [00:31:44]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:31:45]:
I think there's, like, gifts in that, too.
Christy Speers [00:31:47]:
100%. It's actually kind of a blessing, I think, as you, like, get older and look back at relationships and breakups and all that type of stuff, whether you were the breakupper or the breakup. Be like, there is a gift to some anonymity. Right. To, like, some, like, not knowing exactly why.
Leslie Johnston [00:32:07]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:32:07]:
I look back and I'm like, actually, you know what? I don't want to know anymore why my high school boyfriend broke up. Like, I don't want to know.
Leslie Johnston [00:32:16]:
Yes.
Christy Speers [00:32:16]:
Because if anything, that's just going to lead to some insecurity and some areas that, again, he doesn't need to Be the one to speak in my life about.
Leslie Johnston [00:32:23]:
No. And that someone later will actually love those things about you potentially. And you're going to try to change them because he told you he didn't like those things.
Christy Speers [00:32:31]:
Absolutely.
Leslie Johnston [00:32:32]:
And the person you're with is like, wait, these are the reasons why I love you.
Christy Speers [00:32:35]:
Exactly. Like, you think of someone. Like, if we're just to make up fictional characters, it's like, okay, let's say you have high school boy and girl. They start dating. He doesn't like her because she's super loud and, like, a lot. Right. And so he breaks up with her and is basically like, you're loud and a lot. And I can't be with someone like you.
Christy Speers [00:32:52]:
I want to be someone like Sarah, who's chill and quiet and like, whatever.
Leslie Johnston [00:32:56]:
Chill, cool girl.
Christy Speers [00:32:57]:
So then girl A starts changing her entire personality when God really does have in mind for her to be who
Leslie Johnston [00:33:03]:
he created her to be.
Christy Speers [00:33:04]:
And then with Joseph, someone with Joseph who loves the fact that she's hilarious and fun and outgoing. And, you know, I'm like, there really is. I just think it's like, yeah, we don't need the X. The X's to be the megaphone in your life. And you also just. Yeah, don't. You don't actually need their apology, and you don't need to know every single thing of why something went down or the. Like, you don't actually need that to be free.
Christy Speers [00:33:29]:
And I think that's the biggest thing. It's like, it may feel like a world of hurt. And like, sometimes when you're hurt, it feels good to get in the mud. It feels good to be in the trenches and still be in the relationship in that way.
Leslie Johnston [00:33:40]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:33:41]:
I think true closure is going. Even if, I don't know, I can still move on. And there is so much more strength to that.
Leslie Johnston [00:33:50]:
Yes.
Christy Speers [00:33:51]:
Than to I need to figure everything out and know exactly why or have them apologize to me. It's like, no, no. True strength is someone literally looking at someone in the face who hurt them and being like, I forgive you, even though I never got an apology, but you don't have that hold over me anymore. I can walk forward. Yes. You know, I know there was.
Leslie Johnston [00:34:09]:
There's a verse in Romans that says, if it's. If. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Christy Speers [00:34:17]:
That's good.
Leslie Johnston [00:34:18]:
So to me, that's something I should have read to myself in high school, because every time I'd have, like, actually, I think only had one Boyfriend in high school. But when it ended, yeah, I remember being so mad and just, like, wanted all my friends to be mad and wanted to figure out why and all this stuff. And it was like, you know what? Like, it's. You can live at peace.
Christy Speers [00:34:36]:
And if you.
Leslie Johnston [00:34:37]:
And also that person, like, yes, they broke up with you, which feels like the end of the world and feels like it's the biggest hurt, which it does feel that way. But if you can think of it as, like, you know what? That person is also someone that God treasures and loves and has a plan for. And as hard as it is, it's like, you guys just aren't a match together. So it's actually a gift maybe that you're not together.
Christy Speers [00:35:03]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:35:03]:
So. So to be able to trust God and not, you know, put all of your anger towards that other person as much as you can.
Christy Speers [00:35:09]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:35:10]:
It's like, to put that into, like, you know what? Then I'm going to move forward. I'm going to move forward and live at peace as much as it depends on me.
Christy Speers [00:35:16]:
Absolutely. I think there's a lot in, like, renewing even your mind. And maybe this is getting more into, like, how to deal with an ex or, like, how to, like, move on from an ex or things like that. I don't know if we're going to talk about that, but, yeah, let's go into it, I guess, like. Well, I'll bring that up in a second. What would you say about exes? Like, what. What do you think is, like, should you give back? Should you get back together with an ex? Like, what would you say? No, no, no, no. I'm just joking.
Leslie Johnston [00:35:45]:
There's lots of people who get back together and break up and get back together, and then our parents. Works out. Our parents, like, probably five times they broke up.
Christy Speers [00:35:52]:
Yep. So my dad once told my mom that he would never, ever get back together with.
Leslie Johnston [00:35:56]:
Yeah. He would never marry her.
Christy Speers [00:35:57]:
He's like, oh, no, I'll never marry you. That was my dad. I think he was trying to do the whole closure thing.
Leslie Johnston [00:36:04]:
Yes.
Christy Speers [00:36:04]:
He's like, I wanted her to be able to move on.
Leslie Johnston [00:36:06]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:36:07]:
And. But then they ended up getting married, and they're awesome.
Leslie Johnston [00:36:10]:
Well, to me, I mean, I. I talked about it a little bit earlier, but I do feel like it really depends on your situation. Are you trying to get back together out of just the nostalgia that you miss them?
Christy Speers [00:36:23]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:36:24]:
That you.
Christy Speers [00:36:24]:
Yeah. Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:36:26]:
That you want to be with them because it's comfortable. You know them. You're like, oh, oh, it's like so much harder now to not be with them, then I don't think that's a good idea to get back together with someone.
Christy Speers [00:36:36]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:36:37]:
Like, if your idea is like, it calms the loneliness that I'm feeling or it calms the anxiety that I'm feeling or the depression or whatever it is. If it's medicating something you're feeling, it's not a good idea. At least not yet.
Christy Speers [00:36:52]:
Right.
Leslie Johnston [00:36:52]:
You have to get to a spot where you're like, okay, I'm now up on a hill. I'm up on my mountaintop again in a valley. My dad, our dad always says, never make a decision when you're down. So, like, don't make decisions when you're in your worst spot.
Christy Speers [00:37:06]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:37:07]:
Like, ride it out till you get back to your mountaintop. And then when you're at like, I would say if you're gonna back to back together with an ex, you gotta be at your peak where you're like,
Christy Speers [00:37:16]:
my friends are great. My life is great.
Leslie Johnston [00:37:18]:
I'm actually back to feeling like me.
Christy Speers [00:37:21]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:37:21]:
Now you can still want a relationship and you can still miss them if they're really the person for you. But to me, I think you have to be at a spot where you're like, oh, actually I'm doing good. And this is an addition to my life where I feel like I'm not in this spot where I'm like, I'm dying without them. I need them.
Christy Speers [00:37:38]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:37:38]:
It's like, no, I'm actually choosing them because they've shown me that things will be different this time.
Christy Speers [00:37:43]:
Yeah. I feel like, I always hear, it's like the thing of. You have rose colored glasses when you're in a new relationship. I think there's a special version of rose colored glasses for breakups. I think that as soon as a relationship is ended. Not always, but I think most of the time if you were in a relationship that you enjoyed and everything like that, and then either you make the breakup or they make the breakup, instantly that person seems perfect. And it's like, I miss them. There were, they were amazing.
Christy Speers [00:38:12]:
There were no problems in our. What was I even thinking? What was I so mad about? Right. What was I thinking? Why was I unhappy? Like, no, this person's perfect and I'm an idiot. Right. And you always turn on yourself. So you rose colored glasses for the person you turn on yourself. Because I'm like, this is personal testimony happening right here. I'm like, been through multiple breakups and each time without fault.
Christy Speers [00:38:36]:
It's the, I miss them. What did I do? Right? It's the, oh my gosh. And then you're tormented over it and everything like that. And it's. So I guess if you. It's the first time you're listening to a podcast like this. That is so normal. Like, it is so normal to be regretful.
Christy Speers [00:38:50]:
To be like, what did I do? To think I was only the problem. They were not the problem. Some of those things may have truth to them. But ultimately you broke up for a reason. So I think it is the question that you were talking about, do I miss being in a relationship or the person. Right. Like, do I miss being in a relationship or do I miss that person? And if it's more, I miss the relationship. I miss having someone to text.
Christy Speers [00:39:14]:
I miss having someone to call. I miss having someone to go on dates with. I miss having a boyfriend or girlfriend. Or is it like, no, no, no. That is the person. Right? Because like, yeah, you can make mistakes and, you know, whatever. But I think, yeah, you do have to have this, like, understanding of I will go through a rose colored glass season sometimes after a breakup.
Leslie Johnston [00:39:34]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:39:34]:
Because we have had people that unfortunately get back together and then they realize, oh, the same problems are still the same problems. This is exactly how I feel. And when you get back into the comfortability of the regular relationship, then it's like all of those things come flooding back and then you're in a really hard spot because you're like, well, I'm gonna have to break up number two. Yeah. And that blows.
Leslie Johnston [00:39:56]:
That does suck. Been there when say, somebody is like, okay, I think we're getting back together, but I don't really want to tell anybody yet. What are your thoughts on that? What are your thoughts? When I did that to you made me very upset.
Christy Speers [00:40:17]:
That was the worst.
Leslie Johnston [00:40:18]:
There's something about getting back with an ex that's just this, like. Just this experience where for some reason
Christy Speers [00:40:26]:
bringing the trash back in after you
Leslie Johnston [00:40:28]:
took the trash out and everyone's like, take it out. I'm actually gonna bring it back in and hope nobody knows and hope no one smells it. Yes.
Christy Speers [00:40:38]:
I think the question is, why do you want to keep it a secret? Is you. Because you know all the closest people in your life are going to tell you that's a bad idea and you don't want to hear it.
Leslie Johnston [00:40:48]:
100. That's why I did it. It was like, no one's gonna like this.
Christy Speers [00:40:53]:
No one's gonna get on board with me except for my one. People, pleaser friend.
Leslie Johnston [00:40:56]:
Even. Even beyond that, to me, I'm speaking from personal experience. I didn't tell anybody. Not because I think in my mind, I told myself, oh, it's because they won't be supportive. Like, they just don't. They don't understand. Like, and I just want to figure this out. Like, I don't want to rock the boat if, like, we're not going to get back together.
Christy Speers [00:41:14]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:41:15]:
So why don't I just, like, not really tell anybody and we're just going to, like, work things out. But to me, really, what was below that is like, I know this is not a good idea, but I don't want to have to face that myself. Like, I don't want to have to come to terms with the fact that, like, this. I know this is unhealthy. I know this isn't good, and I know this isn't even right.
Christy Speers [00:41:37]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:41:38]:
So how could I tell them? Because I know they're going to bring up the exact same things that I agree with. I just don't want to have to do it right.
Christy Speers [00:41:48]:
Tough pickle to be in.
Leslie Johnston [00:41:49]:
Tough pill to swallow.
Christy Speers [00:41:51]:
It is true.
Leslie Johnston [00:41:52]:
And I get it. It's so hard. Like, breakups are so hard, and they're so hard not to get back together, especially if the person is opening the door.
Christy Speers [00:42:00]:
Even cracking the door, like, that is
Leslie Johnston [00:42:02]:
a temptation that is very, very tough. And I don't try to, like, diminish that at all.
Christy Speers [00:42:07]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:42:07]:
But what I will say is one of the most freeing times in my life was really shutting that down and being like, I'm done. I'm actually not doing this anymore. It's unhealthy. And walking in that type of freedom afterwards feels so much better than any sort of, like, Band Aid on the problem of trying to get back together when you know it's not right.
Christy Speers [00:42:29]:
Right.
Leslie Johnston [00:42:29]:
So to me, it's like, I guess my advice to somebody who was like me, or what I wish I would have told myself is, like, there's actually way more freedom and way more mental clarity coming out of that.
Christy Speers [00:42:42]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:42:43]:
Than trying to, like, you know.
Christy Speers [00:42:45]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:42:46]:
Lurk around in it.
Christy Speers [00:42:47]:
Yes. Be a lurker, don't be a lurker. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I think I just. This was always my mantra. I don't know if it was just because I was like, gosh, if someone broke up with me, it's like cold turkey. Just, like, I just took this mentality as early as I can remember, except for when it was, like, maybe one time when we were, like, going back and forth, talking in between breakups or whatever.
Christy Speers [00:43:11]:
But I just was like, if someone broke up with me, I was like, radio silence. Like, I didn't look them up on. At the time, I was like, high school. And I didn't look them up on Facebook. I didn't. I unfollowed them on Instagram. Like, I removed stuff. Like, I just was like, I'm not looking.
Christy Speers [00:43:29]:
And it was more so because I was like, I don't want to be hurt even more. Like, I don't want to see something. I don't want to see how people do that. I know they keep looking at their exes. I have no idea.
Leslie Johnston [00:43:39]:
I'm like, you must have such strength.
Christy Speers [00:43:41]:
You have more strength than us.
Leslie Johnston [00:43:43]:
Because I would be like, sobbing.
Christy Speers [00:43:46]:
Like, I literally look up. I remember being like, I can't go on social media at all. Like, I can't even scroll because I don't want to see my friend post something about that person. Like, I just went so full cold turkey. But it really was helpful. Like, it was super helpful. So maybe if you're someone who's like, I do a lot of lurking after a breakup and it's painful, I would say maybe just try the whole cold turkey approach. It also kind of is nice, though, because then it's like, oh, did you hear? It's like, no.
Christy Speers [00:44:16]:
And then it's like, oh, all right, great. And then you kind of seem like a cool girl. Cool girl.
Leslie Johnston [00:44:22]:
Oh, I didn't notice.
Christy Speers [00:44:23]:
I'm too busy with my life. But really, you're just like, I've just radio silenced everything, blocked everything. Blinders move forward.
Leslie Johnston [00:44:29]:
The other thing is that that protects you from seeing when they move on a little bit.
Christy Speers [00:44:34]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:44:35]:
And sometimes it will protect you from seeing that they move on. And that thing, like, a lot of guys and. And girls. I won't just say it's guys, but a lot of times it's guys. When they. When there's a breakup, somehow I just think guys can move on maybe a little bit quicker than girls can.
Christy Speers [00:44:55]:
Or at least I think it probably depends on the person. But yeah, yeah, maybe both. As a generalization. Yeah, generalization.
Leslie Johnston [00:45:01]:
I feel like they can move on, but typically, like, that relationship might not even last that long. So to me, I'm like, yeah, if you're, like, trying to figure out, like, wait, are they with somebody? Are they not with somebody? Oh, my gosh, did it overlap with me Again, none of your business anymore.
Christy Speers [00:45:16]:
None your business.
Leslie Johnston [00:45:17]:
Like, that's a hot take, but it's none of your Business. Even if it laughed over because.
Christy Speers [00:45:20]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:45:20]:
You're not with them anymore and you can move on with your life.
Christy Speers [00:45:23]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:45:23]:
So to me it's like let that roll out however it's going to roll out and don't even associate yourself with it.
Christy Speers [00:45:30]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:45:31]:
Don't look them up, follow it. That's just going to cause so much heartache.
Christy Speers [00:45:34]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:45:35]:
That, that may. That relationship won't even last. Probably.
Christy Speers [00:45:38]:
Maybe that's the mantra of post breakup. It's none of my business.
Leslie Johnston [00:45:42]:
It's none of my business.
Christy Speers [00:45:43]:
That can literally just be on your mirror on your wall. Yes. Hey, it's none of my business. Like literally nothing about that person is any of my business anymore. So.
Leslie Johnston [00:45:51]:
No. It's always like Satan being like wait, yeah but did, was there overlap with you or.
Christy Speers [00:45:57]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:45:58]:
Oh my gosh, that person is so different from you. Does that mean you should be more like that? Like.
Christy Speers [00:46:02]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:46:02]:
Get in your ear. So I just think if you don't even give it the time of day, how is, how is he supposed to do that? You know?
Christy Speers [00:46:08]:
Right.
Leslie Johnston [00:46:09]:
So.
Christy Speers [00:46:09]:
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I love that. But do you think you can be friends with an exact.
Leslie Johnston [00:46:17]:
Well, I'm not. I don't think I'm friends with any exes. Are you?
Christy Speers [00:46:20]:
No.
Leslie Johnston [00:46:21]:
So.
Christy Speers [00:46:22]:
So looking like would love to. Love to know.
Leslie Johnston [00:46:27]:
I mean the hard part is I
Christy Speers [00:46:29]:
think you can be like acquaintances, like friendly acquaintances because you can't always block someone out.
Leslie Johnston [00:46:35]:
It depends how long you dated them for.
Christy Speers [00:46:37]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:46:37]:
Depends like the depth of your relationship that you had. The problem is, and I will just say this outright, I think when you get married you can't be friends with an ex. I 100 and no one could convince me.
Christy Speers [00:46:50]:
No.
Leslie Johnston [00:46:51]:
That there's any scenario in which you should be friends with an ex.
Christy Speers [00:46:54]:
No.
Leslie Johnston [00:46:55]:
When you're married, I think after. If you're dating or just whatever I
Christy Speers [00:46:58]:
think like, or if you're like, you know, in similar. In similar. You know, maybe you go to the same school or your same circles or whatever. Yeah. Sometimes there's extenuating circumstances where you have to be able to like work together with that person. Yes. But I think that there shouldn't be like just if, if neither one of you are restarting the relationship, there should be no individualized consistent contact.
Leslie Johnston [00:47:21]:
No.
Christy Speers [00:47:21]:
Like there's just no reason. There's a reason. And your future person. And there's going to be people that are just like, you can be friends with your ex. You guys are so narrow minded. I'm like, that's fine. That's Fine. You can live your life however you want to live your life.
Christy Speers [00:47:33]:
I'm fine living my life. Being like, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Like, being friends with your ex. Like, I just am. Like, there are already so many temptations. Like when you get married, when you are in a long term relationship with somebody, there's so many other temptations that this world has and other relationships and all those types of things. Why would you introduce an ex? Yeah, why would you introduce an ex?
Leslie Johnston [00:47:56]:
And why would you add a door.
Christy Speers [00:47:57]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:47:58]:
Which the enemy could use in your relationship? No, you wouldn't, you wouldn't want to do that.
Christy Speers [00:48:04]:
No.
Leslie Johnston [00:48:05]:
Yeah, there is love for someone to write in to be like, if this is why I have to be friends with my ex. And yes, would love to actually know.
Christy Speers [00:48:12]:
Yeah. I really appreciate Joey was very intentional about all of that stuff. Like I remember he like went so far as was like, I was like removing photos from like family photo albums that like had exes and things like that, which I'm like, or like photo library on the phone. Like everything like that. And I remember being like, dang, I haven't done any of that with any of my exes. Like, that's like, that's really intense.
Leslie Johnston [00:48:38]:
I know. I've never even like, I don't think I've deleted any photos on my Instagram. Like, if you scroll back, you see my whole history and I'm like, I. I haven't. I don't have anything to hide but a lot of work.
Christy Speers [00:48:46]:
But I remember being like, oh, like you don't have to do that. Like, yeah, that seems really extreme. But he was just like, no, because you are my life now. Like, I don't need memories of that. Like, I don't need to look back at that because I have you. And I'm like, wow, that's actually really honoring and sweet and like, maybe something that we should take up more because sometimes I think we can go like offended of like, well, I was a part of your life. Like, why would you cut me out like that. Things like that.
Christy Speers [00:49:12]:
But it's like, yeah, but you're no longer a part of my future. So if we're living in the past, why are we doing that for sure. And I think that I also hot take if you have one of those exes where it just kind of comes in and out situationship and like it's on again, off again, on again, off again, but really like light and you're like also trying to see other people but you're still trying to talk to your ex. It's never going to work. You're never going to be able to move on.
Leslie Johnston [00:49:39]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:49:39]:
It's not going to be like, oh, all of a sudden I meet the perfect person and it makes me get over my ex. No. If you keep lighting the fire of a past fire that already has kindling, you are not going to be able to create kindling of a new fire at all. Like, I just think. I just. Yeah, I just think of that and I'm like, a new person is not going to fix your weird. Sorry. Not weird.
Leslie Johnston [00:50:03]:
Getting to it.
Christy Speers [00:50:04]:
I'm getting into, like, the terrorist territory.
Leslie Johnston [00:50:08]:
I like it.
Christy Speers [00:50:09]:
Sorry. You're really strong attachment to your ex in an unhealthy communication way. You are not going to be able to move on.
Leslie Johnston [00:50:16]:
That's very true. It's an unfortunate hot take because it is an unfortunate. You can't.
Christy Speers [00:50:21]:
That was older sister Christie that just came out. So I'm sorry that.
Leslie Johnston [00:50:25]:
No, it's good. Everyone needs older sister Christie in their life. Some people don't have it in shows and I needed it, so it was good.
Christy Speers [00:50:31]:
We both needed it. Leslie also slapped me over the head a few times and it was.
Leslie Johnston [00:50:34]:
No, that's so true. You're like, I think some of it is like this. I don't know why. Sometimes I get this, like, imagery in my head of like, a trapeze. I think I'm using the right thing for this.
Christy Speers [00:50:44]:
Yeah. The thing where they swing from one thing, hold on to the next.
Leslie Johnston [00:50:47]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, to me, I would imagine if someone's in that scenario where they're having that, like, lingering X where you kind of. You don't have to fully be alone because you're like, yeah. Oh, we sometimes text. Like, we, you know, hang out.
Christy Speers [00:51:01]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:51:01]:
When it's late at night and I'm just, like, bored, I can text them and then. Yeah. If I'm not doing anything, they'll, like, always pick up my call and would just kind of have this weird, like, kindling, like you referred to it as.
Christy Speers [00:51:12]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:51:13]:
It's almost like you're not having. Let me rephrase this. I don't want to. It's like when you're holding on to one trapeze, you have to let go of it at some point to grab
Christy Speers [00:51:24]:
onto the next or else it's going to get real uncomfortable holding onto both. Both guys.
Leslie Johnston [00:51:31]:
Yeah. Like, but you can't do that. You're like, you can't. You have to let go of one in order to.
Christy Speers [00:51:38]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:51:39]:
Catch the other trapeze. And it's the in between, letting go. That's the freakiest part of it.
Christy Speers [00:51:44]:
Where you're like, oh, my gosh, I'm suspended in midair.
Leslie Johnston [00:51:48]:
And that's where faith comes in.
Christy Speers [00:51:49]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:51:49]:
And you're like, no, I'm letting go of this in hopes that God has something for me.
Christy Speers [00:51:55]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:51:55]:
And in. To me, I would say, he. He does.
Christy Speers [00:51:58]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:51:58]:
He does have something for you.
Christy Speers [00:51:59]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:52:00]:
And I would say, so, like, let go of that trapeze. You'll actually feel better. It's not as scary as you think it is.
Christy Speers [00:52:07]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:52:07]:
And to be able to move on into the next thing. Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:52:10]:
So absolutely.
Leslie Johnston [00:52:11]:
I love that. Do you have any other thoughts
Christy Speers [00:52:16]:
about exes and things?
Leslie Johnston [00:52:17]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:52:19]:
Do you have any thoughts?
Leslie Johnston [00:52:21]:
No, I said all my thoughts.
Christy Speers [00:52:23]:
Yeah. I think that's good.
Leslie Johnston [00:52:25]:
I know. Well, that was great. I feel like, moral of the story for closure. I would say make sure why you want closure.
Christy Speers [00:52:37]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:52:38]:
Is going to benefit you in the long run.
Christy Speers [00:52:42]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:52:43]:
And in the meantime. And are you. Are you setting yourself up to put things in your backpack that we talked about?
Christy Speers [00:52:48]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:52:48]:
That you're gonna have to carry then, which makes it harder.
Christy Speers [00:52:51]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:52:51]:
And then with your ex, there better be a really good reason why should get back together
Christy Speers [00:52:59]:
and be honest with your friends. I guess that's my last. Yes. I guess that's my last thing. If you are in a situ situationship with an ex where it's leaning like it's might be going to a relationship, maybe not bring your friends into it.
Leslie Johnston [00:53:12]:
Yeah. Because here's the thing.
Christy Speers [00:53:13]:
What you can say you're with your friends is you can say, hey, I want you guys to listen and not judge yet. Like, even if you can't.
Leslie Johnston [00:53:20]:
We don't judge.
Christy Speers [00:53:21]:
But that's what I'm saying. I'm like, even if you have a spot where you're not ready to make whatever decision that you need to make, bring in people on the process. Like, I think that's where it's like, ask your friends and go, I'm about to tell you something. I know maybe you're not gonna like it, but I just want you to listen because I want to be honest with you, with you, but I'm not ready to make a change or I'm not ready to do this. And then you can just tell them, and then they can listen and support you, and maybe they're gonna give you some feedback that maybe you don't wanna hear. But ultimately you at least are Honest with your community, and that can be so freeing and healing and all of that. So I would just say for anyone who's, like, maybe stuck in a situation where they feel like they are dealing with something all by themselves, whether they are about to go through a breakup, you just went through a breakup. Or you're potentially getting back together with an ex, bring your people into it that you trust and that you love and that you know love you.
Leslie Johnston [00:54:10]:
Yeah. And whether you're a guy or a girl, the person that you're with, you shouldn't feel like you have to hide it.
Christy Speers [00:54:18]:
Yeah.
Leslie Johnston [00:54:18]:
You shouldn't feel like you. You do, actually.
Christy Speers [00:54:20]:
Yes.
Leslie Johnston [00:54:22]:
As cheesy as it sounds like more on this, you deserve somebody who's gonna be like, I'm locking this thing down.
Christy Speers [00:54:29]:
If any guy is trying to hide the fact that you guys are in a relationship, run.
Leslie Johnston [00:54:36]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:54:37]:
There's. What reason is there?
Leslie Johnston [00:54:39]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:54:39]:
Unless you're, like, the son of the President of the United States, and you have to, like, for some reason, keep it a secret, or else you're gonna get killed because they're gonna know that you're connected. Or if he's in the CIA, like, if there's any reason. If he's not in the CIA, if he's not at the president's son.
Leslie Johnston [00:54:51]:
Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:54:52]:
If he is trying to hide a relationship with you or not trying to make it official. Run. There is no good reason. Run.
Leslie Johnston [00:54:59]:
No. You deserve so much more. And you got to give space. Space for God to show you that he does have somebody who will treat you that way and who will love you that way and hold out. Yep. And it will be worth it.
Christy Speers [00:55:12]:
Yep.
Leslie Johnston [00:55:13]:
A. A momentary heartache is worse than a lifetime of suffering. Regret and suffering. Just made that up.
Christy Speers [00:55:22]:
She's like Elsa. Like, as I always say. As I always say.
Leslie Johnston [00:55:27]:
Oh, well, Christy, thanks for coming on. Yeah.
Christy Speers [00:55:30]:
This was so fun.
Leslie Johnston [00:55:31]:
Very fun. We'll have to do this.
Christy Speers [00:55:32]:
Hopefully you guys could tell the difference between our voice.
Leslie Johnston [00:55:34]:
I know everyone's like, what the heck? I feel like we have different voices.
Christy Speers [00:55:37]:
Yeah. I always have. I think I have a lower voice than you.
Leslie Johnston [00:55:40]:
I don't know. We're both kind of nasally today, so
Christy Speers [00:55:43]:
I feel like both congested.
Leslie Johnston [00:55:45]:
Maybe we're getting what Morgan's Morgan has. Rip.
Christy Speers [00:55:47]:
It's just gonna be Morgan next week.
Leslie Johnston [00:55:49]:
Morgan by herself. All right, we love you guys. We'll see you next time on Am I Doing this right?
Christy Speers [00:55:54]:
Thanks, guys.